Page 8 - MIdWeek Kauai - July 7, 2021

8 KAUA‘I MIDWEEK JULY 7, 2021
I’mamaninmy30s, and I’m looking to settle down and start a fami- ly. I was falling in love with the woman I’ve been seeing for six months, who seems lovely, intelligent and kind. Recently, I arrived at her place early and overheard her arguing with her moth- er on the phone. She was yelling, swearing and being very nasty. I’m close to my parents and can’ t conceive of speaking to them this way. She never mentions her parents, beyond saying she isn’t close with her mother. She’s only been sweet and doting to me, and she seems well liked by her friends and co-workers. Could she have hidden anger issues? – Shocked
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or will express themselves this way with everyone.
sibly exile them from our cir- cle of friends). This suggests it might be in their interest to “recalibrate” their behavior in our favor: stop being so disre- spectful and stingy.
“climate of fear and loathing, with anger or the threat of it serving to intimidate and con- trol” their partner.
To encourage your girl- friend to open up to you, ask about her mom in a way that suggests she should redirect any shame she might be feel- ing. Tell her you feel bad her mom seems to be a continuing source of pain for her and that she deserved — and deserves — better. Getting her to talk about her relationship with her mother — plus observing over a few months how she reacts in tough situations — should help you figure out whether there are any big red flags.
Anger often gets a bum rap, demonized as a “toxic,” “neg- ative” emotion. Our emotions, including so-called negative emotions like anger, are our protectors: motivating us to act in ways that make us more likely to survive, mate and pass on our genes. For exam- ple, anger surges in us when we perceive that another per- son is treating us unfairly.
People with this disposi- tion have “a short fuse,” fly- ing into a rage at the slightest provocation, explains evolu- tionary social psychology re- searcher Julie Fitness. They see the world and others in narrow terms — “right” or “wrong” — and are griev- ance hunters, ever on the lookout for “apparent injus- tice.” They are quick to lash out and blame others when things don’t go perfectly, and in relationships, they create a
You’re shocked, partly be- cause you wouldn’t talk to your parents this way. Con- sider the possibility that your girlfriend has a different sort of parent: unloving and toxic. And consider a reason people jack up the volume and ug- liness: They repeatedly per- ceive they aren’t being heard.
It’s understandable you’re worried there’s a rage-filled, profanity-spewing lady monster just under the sweet girlfriend veneer. However, because someone expresses anger in an ugly way at anoth- er person doesn’t necessarily mean they are out of control
Anger seems to function as a bargaining tool to in- centivize better treatment, explains evolutionary psy- chologist Aaron Sell and his colleagues. “Acts or signals of anger” communicate that unless the other person mends their unfair ways, we might “inflict costs” (maybe go all screaming maniac on them) or “withdraw benefits” (pos-
If your girlfriend feels like an unloved daughter (or some shade of that), she might be ashamed of it. She might suspect there was something wrong with her, unlovable about her.
As the saying goes: “Love is never having to scream, ‘I will end you! And then bury you in 36 pieces in a shallow grave!’ ”
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